A wanker is the type of chap who peers down lady's blouses
With a great big hole in the pockets of his wanker's baggy trousers.
He wears wanker's anorak that reaches to his anus,
A Thompson Fuckin' Twins T shirt and a pair of niffy trainers

His hands are damp and squelchy, his bollocks are like prunes,
The bags beneath his eyes are like the scrotums of baboons.
His palms are rough and calloused, he trembles at the knee,
His breath comes in short pants, and coincidentally, so does he.

He lives with his parents (and a gerbil) on the dodgy end of Ealing,
..and to improve his aim he's drawn a target on his bedroom ceiling.
He reads one-handed-literature with themes bizarre and sexual
The kind of thing that makes The Sunday Sport look intellectual.

He drives a J reg Escort, has beans on toast for tea.
Hang on a minute! Fuck my boots! That cunt sounds just like me!