A mathematician from Scunthorpe
Discovered the weight of his ball
Plus his scrotum times three
Was approximately
Two thirds of four fifths of fuck all

A nineteen year old nymphomaniac
Wore a bog-paper dress to a ball
But it started tearing
She ended up wearing
Two thirds of four fifths of fuck all

With premature ejaculation
It seems my endurance is small
From the time of inserting
To the moment of squirting
Two thirds of four fifths of fuck all

I was seized with a stiff constipation
I crouched in a lavatory stall
I thundered and pumped
But finally dumped
Two thirds of four fifths of fuck all

It's a big cock, a big cock
A big cock and bull story
Here comes the interesting bit
The parts that are true
Near enough add up to
Just about half the square root of jack shit

My penis is small like an acorn
Sometimes I can't find it at all
It's infinitesimal
Or expressed in decimal
Point five of point three of fuck all

An ancient Egyptian urinal
Has the meaning of life on the wall
In plain simple words
It's written in turds
Two thirds of four fifths of fuck all

Now that is the end of my chanson
And if for an encore you call
Well bollocks you twat
The chances of that are
Two thirds of four fifths of fuck all

""'Ere Mr. Recording Engineer, what's the chances of this song becoming a number one hit?""
""About two thirds of four fifths of practically nothing""

Unused verse, deservedly cut from the released version
There's a harlot with pox, clap and herpes
You can smell her from here to Bengal
She's got syph and colitis
And that's why her price is
Two thirds of four fifths of fuck all