I wish I was a cat
Sitting on a rug
Pretty girls would come and pick me up
And give me a great big hug
They'd tickle my ears and stroke me
And pat me on the head
And all those wonderful things I'd see
Sleeping at the bottom of the bed

Well I wish I was
Well I wish I could be
Well I wish I was anyone
Somebody else, not me
Ya la la la la la da

I wish I was a mirror
On that mormon lady's wall
All those mucky things I've only read about in mucky books
I would see them all
She'd walk around in a negligée
And a flimsy little nightie
And when she took that nightie off
Oh gosh, good lord almighty

Well I wish I was
Well I wish I could be
Well I wish I was anyone
Somebody else, not me
Ya la la la la la da

I wish I was a brassiere
I'd spend my lifetime thrust
Right up a ladies' jumper
Wrapped 'round a ladies' bust
I would be a hold-up man
Just like Butch Cassidy
An over the shoulder, boulder holder
Brassiere's life for me

Well I wish I was
Well I wish I could be
Well I wish I was anyone
Somebody else, not me
Ya la la la la la da

I wish I was the seat upon
A big fat ladies' bike...

"Hold it, this is the engineer. I'm not going to record anymore of this stuff - It's filthy!!"