When I was a spotty, grotty, snotty littler-pubescent
I asked my daddyWho brings Christmas presents?
He told me rubbish I didn't believe
A magic flight on Christmas Eve
Some reindeer and a sled
And a grand-dad dressed in red

But that night I heard the echo of a Ho Ho Ho
Jingle bells and hoof beats in the snow
I ran to the window just to be sure
Pulled back the curtains and then I saw
Something left behind
That made me change my mind

Rudolph did a whoopsie on my rooftop
That red-nosed rat-bag made me eat my wuds
There upon the tiles
Were several steaming piles
Three quarters of a hundred weight of great big reindeer tuds
Father! Bring a gas mask and a shovel!
Let Rudolph fertilise out Christmas tree
For on this silent night
He's had a violent What's the word?Fright
And gone and left a present just for me

Rudolph did a whoopsie on my rooftop
Deep nd crisp and even I suppose
He left a number two
And a great big pile of poo
He had to strain so hard that's why he's got that big red nose
Some said it was next doors cat what done it
Some said it was pigeons in a tree
But someone defecated
Where my chimney stack's located
And I can tell you now it wasn't me

It came upon a midnight clear
Poo! What a whiff! Let's get out of here
May those steeple bells be rung
Dung! Dung! Dung!

Yes, Rudolph did a whoopsie on my rooftop
He was taken short on Christmas morn
He had a reindeer dump
And then left me a clump
Of little Christmas puddings that lay steaming in the dawn
So if you don't believe and say Bah! Humbug!
On the next day after Santa comes to call
Look for a pony roof-full
And then you'll know I'm truthful
A very Happy Christmas to you all
A very Happy Christmas to you all!