Some folks croon about moon and June
Some folks scream and holler
But I'm going to sing about a wonderful thing
My shirt collar

Ariba, ariba, whoo, whoo, Here we go...
My shirt collar
My shirt collar
It won't go stiff
No, it won't go stiff
It used to stand up and touch my ears
But now I've got to be careful in case it disappears
When I was younger it was up in a jiff
Were it more rigid it would be terrif'
But my shirt collar
My shirt collar, whoo whoo, oh no
It will not go stiff

It won't go stiff, no it won't go stiff
It's once proud rigidity is only a myth
The miserable thing I am holding in my hand which is
Limper than the lettuce in yer British Rail sandwiches
What was once a certainty is only an 'if'
Bang goes the happiness, me joi-de-life
'Cause my shirt collar, whoo whoo, oh no
It will not go stiff

Well I soaked it, doped it, tied it up and roped it
Varnished it but still it ends up bent
I've stuffed it into kettles, I've walloped it with metals
I've squirted it with aftershave and filled it with cement

My shirt collar
My shirt collar
It won't go stiff
No, it won't go stiff
I used to dress so it protruded at a rakish angle
But now I keep it covered up and all it does is dangle
It was up like a rocket on November the fifth
But it hasn't happened since and the ladies just sniff
My shirt collar
My shirt collar, whoo whoo, oh no
It will not go stiff