My grandfather's frock was bought straight off the shelf
From the Co-op in Leamington Spa.
It was hid 'neath the bed by the old man himself
With a pair of frilly knickers and a bra.
He would wear them to clubs and the more broad-minded pubs
cos he always was game for a lark,
Till an undercover cop brought his fun to a stop
In the toilets in St James's Park.

(Yes, an undercover cop brought his fun to a stop
In the toilets in St James's Park!)
 
He appeared in the dock still wearing his frock
And His Honour was less than impressed. (Than impressed!)
He said, 'You'll do time for the grave and serious crime
Of walking around in a dress. (In a dress!)

Then they took the old man in a plain white Serco van
To his home for the next fourteen days (Far away!)
Where he whiled away the hours with some big lads in the showers
In a place aptly known as Strangeways. (Sad to say!).
 
For two weeks he was pondering.
'Bout his next nocturnal wandering.
When they let the old man go, he went straight back to Soho
Though he stopped off in Topshop on the way.
(On the way)