Oh show me a home where the buffalo roam
And I'll show you a house full of dung...
For god's sake Ivor, did I spend three years at the Paris Conservetoire
to play this sort of rubbish? Don't you know anything else?

My brother's in the merchant navy
He brings me things from where he's been
Letters from France and caps from Holland
And once from Denmark a mucky magazine

And I remembered mother's advice
If I ever looked at photographs that weren't quite nice
I'd turn to stone right there
Part of me did but I just didn't care

And I'll bet you a quid that you've never seen
Anything like my brother's magazine
I bet you a quid that you've never seen
Anything like my brother's magazine

'Ere, is this photograph the right way up?

Spotty-arsed fellas and great big women
At it like knives on battered settees
And two blokes from Tottenham who can tie a knot in 'em
And still have donglers to their knees
And a picture of utter depravity
A dentist filling quite the wrong cavity
A midget with a tattooed dong
And the words and ukelele chords for an Ivor biggun song

A lady you can see isn't really a blonde
Posing with a parsnip very biological
Another who grins from where she had twins
Not pornographic, just gynecological
And a lingum and a yoni, two Egyptian women and a shetland pony
Appliances and PVC and something that looks a bit like a coconut to me

And I'll bet you a quid that you've never seen
Anything like my brother's magazine
I bet you a quid that you've never seen
Anything like my brother's magazine

If I ever grow up I'd like to be like
A pink pony poser pay for intercourse
With me rocks off knocks off without taking socks off
A big John Thomas like the milkman's horse

Latex genitalia, something filled with batteries that's popular with sailors
A picture that leaves no doubt
As to whether Linda Lovelace really had her tonsils out

And I'll bet you a quid that you've never seen
Anything like my brother's magazine
I bet you a quid that you've never seen
Anything like my brother's magazine

'Ere there's a book in here advertised. It's called
"I tried to be a homosexual but I was only half in Ernest"
There's a stripper as well, also, with a 73" bust.
She doesn't have much of an act.
She just crawls onto the stage and tries to stand up.
Here's an advert. "They all laughed when I sat down to play then I realised I'd left the bathroom door open. And then there's some obscene records. Who's this Judge Dread then?
"I used to kiss you on the lips but now it's all over."
"I will love you when you get old. So please get 'old of this."
And what's this a photograph of? Oooh It can't be? It couldn't be? It isn't is it?