I like you guys, man. A nice 8 o'clock show, huh? You guys left the house like, look, I want to go out. But I want to be in bed by 9.30, so I don't like doing that, alright? It's been a long week, I'll go, but I'm tired, alright? It's raining out and shit.

I get it, dude, I get it. I understand, alright? I'm 36 years old, I'm always on the verge of, like, cancelling my plans. You know what I mean? Like, even this.

I woke up, I'm like, I'm not doing that goddamn show, forget it. But here I am. I needed the $25 bucks, so here I am.

I needed it. It's good to be here, man. I drove up here.

I have a car. You guys should all be like, oh my god, are you a millionaire? No, I'm not, I'm an Uber driver, that's what you gotta do. I have a car, I love having a car in New York City.

I do, it's my favorite thing in the entire world to have a car in New York City. I'm a navigation system guy, too. I'm a navigation system guy, okay? I use Google Maps, that is my navigation of choice.

I don't use Waze. Stop fucking telling me to use Waze, okay? Waze sucks, okay? Because Waze takes you down Waze, you don't want to go. Waze is always like, turn here, and you're like, okay, this is a dirt road.

Okay, alright, there's a guy with a knife over there. Alright, I guess I'll do it. Then Waze is like, get out of the car and hop the fence.

I'm not hopping the fence, Waze, I think I'm gonna stay in the car. That's why I use Google Maps, it knows everything about me. I like Google, I don't know, I know all navigation systems do this, but I like when they tell you the time that you're gonna arrive.

There's something, I don't know, something like, oh yeah, that's nice. But also, in the back of my head, I'm like, we'll see. I'm like, I'm gonna hit people, so you better relax with that time.

8.15, I'm like, it'll be 8.14, trust me. I travel a lot, that's the thing. You see some weird stuff when you're driving around New York City.

I saw a billboard one time, I was driving through the middle of Times Square. There was a big, giant, black and white billboard. It was big, black and white letters that said, are you going to heaven or hell? Call this number.

But it was a New Jersey phone number. Like, even God is like, I can't afford New York City, that's ridiculous. I have to live in Hoboken with the Holy Spirit or something.

He's never there, it doesn't matter. I called the number. I go, I gotta know.

I wanna know where I'm going. Nobody answered. Purgatory, evidently, is where I'm headed.

And I'm Catholic, too, anyone else here guilty? Good, a few of you, okay, good, a few of you. Well, let me clarify my stance on being Catholic. I'm Catholic, okay, I'm Catholic.

But I'm Catholic, like, just in case. You know what I'm saying? Like, I go to church and shit, but I'm there. I'm like, hey, I'm here just in case something really goes down.

Did you ever meet people who are atheists? That, like, blows my mind. Are you an atheist? How, what are you, what? Are you out of your minds? You're not gonna believe in anything? Nothing, nothing is what you're gonna, for real. What if you die, and you get to heaven, and there's God? What are you gonna say to him? What are you gonna say to him? You're like, oh, yeah, I didn't believe in nothing.

Uh, can I still come in, or like, what's going on? And God's gonna be like, dude, I put a billboard in Times Square. Did you not see the note? No, go to hell, dick, go to hell. Go to hell."