Just, I can’t make sense of it, dude. And I wish that I had this, like, “Aw, I like- it gave me this,” or like, “I realized through this situation that I grew as a person,” or like, “I realized this about myself” or, “I realized this about people that I’m attracted to, or relationships that I’ve built.”

But it just feels like it didn’t become anything. Like, it was just a thing that happened. Like… And then I was like, oh, but I think that also actually confronts a narrative of me wanting to make sense of things in hindsight.

Mhm.

And like, I feel like I have to make sense of it, and I have to be a better version of myself, and I can’t just like, live through seasons. It has to be something that was significant or furthered me personally.

Mm.

And then it comes back to this narrative of like, individual growth above all. So, everything that I feel, I have to be filter it through this like, “Does it make sense? Am I going crazy?”

Like, “Is it just me who is fucking insane?” Like, “Am I right to demand this of this other person?” And for every layer I add to that, I cannot be authentic. And it’s so difficult to figure out what he wanted or what he didn’t want, and at the end I just decided, I can’t be in it.

No.

I can’t. And then, because he reacted to it the way that he did… I, like, I had this whole thing where I texted him that like, “I am not going to be texting you in the next few days because I can’t figure out how I feel about it.”

Yeah.

And he was like “Oh, okay, I didn’t know that was going on for you. And I was like, you have no idea how I feel. Like, you have not been reaching out to me, you are no longer interested in getting to know me, and it shows. Like, you really are caught up in your own ways. And then now we are just in this space where like we don’t talk to each other. And it makes me really anxious.

I actually, I think about him really often, which I kind of hate.

Yeah.

Because I feel crazy, I feel like I’m losing it, I feel like I cannot trust my own perception of reality, and I have to filter it through this idea of logic that I think you’re gonna be able to understand better. And I cannot express myself to you authentically ever because I know that you won’t understand what I mean, and you have no interest in figuring it out.

Yeah.

And I haven’t had this difficult of a relationship to anyone ever to be honest.

Yeah.

Because we’ve always been able to sit down and be like, “Listen this is what I need to happen.”

And he was so willing to just let it become “I don’t like you; I think you’re a bad person.” And I was like, well of course, like there’s a lot of room for you to insert that because you don’t know who I am. Because you didn’t listen to me. You didn’t want to figure out who I was, so you can make up this narrative that I was trying to hurt you all along. And that fits perfectly with what you know of me already, because you don’t know very many things.

Yeah.

And that I think… that was… that’s something honestly, that was a thing that like, that had me stay with him for a long time.

Yeah.

That he really wanted, he had a really, like, desire to be kind to people. But he… he couldn’t. Like he couldn’t. And I think that’s why I’m having such a difficult time relating to it. Because it was just this complete like, undoing of all of the boundaries that I had worked on setting with other people.

And I had like, no, like, way of distancing myself.

Mhm. Mm.

It was really like taking over in a way that was just like… That I didn’t know what to do with it. And it comes from a place of just not feeling safe, you know?

Yeah.

It’s super unfulfilling, I’m constantly feeling like I want more of him than he’s able to give and that he simply doesn’t have any more to give. It’s causing me quite a lot of heartache and distraction and I just cannot do this to myself.

It’s really hard.

Yeah.