This is all the terrible things I have done
From yesterday back to the age I was one
I'm not even going to try to disguise
That I threw sand at a Korean boy's eyes
And I don't think I'll try to explain
That given the chance, I'd do it again
(Fuck that guy)
His name was Jeong-Won, and he was a dick
He told the teacher and I nearly was sick

Much later on, around twenty-five
I was out walking the streets with my wife
Hands entwined, traversing the road
I felt my insides about to explode
I ran to the nearest tree I could find
Whipped down my trousers, exposed my backside
(Shit my pants)
Evacuated the contents of my gut
Made a dirty old mess outside the scout hut

Whilst on the subject of confessing sins
I eat Fray Bentos pies straight from the tin
(Less washing up)
Slapped the iPhone straight out of Sammy Grett's paw
Fed a friend a dinner I had dropped on the floor
(Terrible, terrible things)

I took a shit
I took a shit
I took a shit outside the scout hut

I took a shit
I took a shit
I took a shit outside the scout hut