I always have been handy, I did a bit of do it myself
Until it knackered my eyesight and compromised my health
Then a geezer popped his napper, over the garden wall
"Good day", he said "My name is Ted
Can I be of any help at all?"

Well I should have said, "No ta, no thanks, no probs"
But instead I told 'im all my little jobs
An' now he's round my house as soon as I walk out my door
Rippin' my missuses drawer's out and banging on the bedroom floor

He's Toolbag Ted from Birkenhead, the randy handy man
He walks in when I walk out
And does a bloody sight better than ever I can
When a lady says "I'm desperate
An' only your spanner will do"
Old Ted he seems to understand
He bolts 'round at their command
With his nuts held tightly in his hand
Rub rub, hammer hammer, bang, screw

Where does he get the energy?
How can he manage it all?
He flashes all around the chimney
He hammers up and down the hall
If a lady's got a problem
That's been troubling her all day
An expert prod with his dyno-rod
And the problem goes away
Mi-ssis Brown she called him on the phone
"Oh please come round my husbands not at home..."
He re-arranged her portico
And banged her beam all day
Stripping her chimney breast out
And sticking in his R.S.J.

He's Toolbag Ted from Birkenhead, the randy handy-man
No job too big, no job too small
He'll be there whenever he can
And if a damsel in distress says "What am I to do?"
He services her every need
With charm, discretion, tact and speed
And satisfaction guaranteed
Rub rub, hammer hammer, bang, screw

Look at that easy action!
Look at that grace and style!
As a general rule his expert tool
Makes all the ladies smile
He's pulling out his plunger
And pumping fit to burst
In the capable hands of Toolbag Ted
The customer comes first

This merry Merseysider is always making housecalls
The ladies ring his number and this randy handy scouse calls
Some husbands do not like it when he does what he does best
But most let him get on with it, they're grateful for the rest
And aren't you glad, when an expert comes to call
And sorts out your old boiler and doesn't charge at all?
And in her darkest corners he will make a final stand
Halfway up her skirting with his stopcock in his hand

Toolbag Ted from Birkenhead, the randy handy-man
A knight in shining overalls
He'll be there whenever he can
He never leaves a job half done and always sees it through
A set of drawers might need a knob
A whatsit need a thingummy bob
In fact he's always on the job
Rub rub, hammer hammer, bang, screw