The reason I'm not athletic
Isn't just my muscles or feet
Or lack of co-ordination
Or reluctance to compete
I must confess it's more the way
The blokes in the showers all cackle
And point at me when I display
My undersize wedding tackle
It's a compact, economy version
It's the best that I can do
But Santa, if you're listening
Here is my request to you

All I want for christmas is a... great big dong
Not too ostentatious, just fifteen inches long
I'd strap it to my ankle as I gaily strode along
Oh-oh, all I want for christmas is a great big dong

All I want for christmas is a... great big cock
They'd gasp and say ""Good gracious""
And they wouldn't laugh or mock
I'd hold my own with the best of them
And stuff it down my sock
Oh-oh, all I want for christmas is a great big cock

Oh Santa I'd be happy if somewhere in your sack
You could provide me plonkerwise with inches that I lack
I may be a cock-eyed optimist but I'm asking you St. Nicholas
For a great big donger, like a donkey, so folks don't call me dickless

All I want for christmas is a knob of enormous size
Something quite outrageous that slaps against my thighs
That stands up in the morning light and pokes me in my eyes
All I want for christmas is a knob of enormous size

We do it with the light off so my girlfriend cannot see
But last night a shaft of moonlight cast it's cruel beam on me
She shouted out ""Oh what is that, no bigger than my thumb?""
Then yelled out of the window ""'Ere Santa when you come...
And if you can get it down the chimney...""

Give him please for christmas a... great big dong
Nothing ostentatious but a proud pulsating prong
Something like a film-star, Godzilla or King Kong
Oh-oh, give him please for christmas a great big dong

Oh wow, it's christmas morning and I lift up my head
There's something shocking blocking up the stocking on my bed
It's a great big christmas pudding, oh it's the very thing
It's twice as rude as Rudolph
Hark the herald angels sing

What he got for christmas was a great big dong
It was just what he wanted and he waited all year long
There's a fairy on the christmas tree and he sings this little song
What he got for christmas was a great big dong
What he got for christmas was a great big dong
What he got for christmas was a great big dong

""Dear Santa Claus, thank you for the wonderful fifteen inch plonker what you brung me for christmas.
You've no idea what a difference that extra one-and-a-half inches will make.
It's a ding-dong merrily on high and now I can wish everyone a happy new beer and a very merry one-off-the-wristmas.
'Ere... hang on a minute... typical bloomin' christmas, you forgot to give me the batteries with this! There's no p*xy batteries! I've got a great big knob with no batteries. Where you going to get batteries this time on a christmas morning. Mother, have we got some in the Nintendo?""