""The man they call the Pharoah of Filth
The man they call the Maestro of Masturbation
The man with the stickiest handshake in Croydon this evening...
Mr. Ivor Biggun""

""Croydon I love you. Good evening Croydon!
I'm in the mood tonight
I'm feeling horny tonight
I'm feeling so horny that
The crack of dawn had better watch it
That's how horny I feel
Alright... here we go...""

Well I feel like wanking
Feel like wanking all the time
I said I feel like wanking
I Feel like wanking all the time... I do
Well I feel like wanking
Wanking is a hobby of mine

I feel so good
I feel so fine
I've got nothing but wanking
On my mind
Said I feel like wanking
Feel like wanking all the time... I do
Said I feel like wanking
Wanking is a hobby of mine

Now cook my vegetables baby
Won't you cook 'em good 'n' cook 'em hot
Now cook my vegetables baby
Won't you cook 'em good and cook 'em hot
'Cause when I stick in my meat
I overflow the pot
Tell me, tell me

Now do you feel like wanking
Now do you feel like wanking
Do you feel like wanking
Do you feel like wanking
Well I feel like wanking
'Cause wanking is a hobby of mine

Now I'm a footballer baby and I'm wearing them football boots..
Now I'm a footballer baby and I'm wearing them football boots..
You know I stick me centre forward
And I dribble before I shoot..

Now do you feel like wanking
Now do you feel like wanking
Do you feel like wanking
Do you feel like wanking
Well I feel like wanking
'Cause wanking is a hobby of mine

I feel bad now
I'll feel better in a minute
I'll hold my hand right there
And stick my plonker in it
'Cause I feel like wanking
Feel like wanking all the time
""I'm a bit of a tosser really""
You know I feel like wanking
Wanking is a hobby of mine