Since I moved into your place
One year ago today
Our relationship has deepened
In a spiritual way

As time swept gently forward
And winters turned to spring
I know you so much better
'Cause I've fucked all your things

I put my package in your mailbox
Made love to all your chairs
Dropped a load inside your washer
I went down on all your stairs

I took your cabinets from the front, and
Your sofa from behind
I looked deep into your vacuum's eyes
And then we sixty-nined

Thanks in advance for
Not judging me, or
This aspect of my soul
When I dick-smash all of your belongings
Is when I'm finally whole

I boned your couches and your telephone
And all your scented candles
And your dictionary, fishtank, and the pictures on the mantle

I had sex with your whole kitchen
With no boundaries or limits
And your lamp was looking so good
That you know I had to hit it

Your wallet and your toothbrush
And your jacket and your red hat
Oh, you're mad about the toothbrush?
Just forget I ever said that

And your carpet and your furniture
Your windows and the curtains
And I licked your stamp collection
I dicked your floor for certain

I'm glad I got this off my chest
My soul has taken flight
Don't slam the door on your way out, darling
Because I'm slamming it tonight