January, almost a year of being hunkered down
an aching in my abdomen, perpetually tuckered out
a nagging nausea leaving me kneeling on the crusted tile
a harsher bit of finding out now that i'd fucked around
although i'd found it out before, already knew what was the fuss about
but what about the fuss? i wondered if, i wondered how
muttered aloud the possibility that i could be a mother now
that i'd become functional enough to try run a town,
still it struck me as a clusterfuck and so i shut it down
that is until i saw the ultrasound, a little paw, the thumb pronounced
the heartbeat's little thumping wow is all i said,
my jaw practically struck the ground as suddenly i really loved the child

But then again
Even when you feel your heart fill with a love you've never felt before,
And know that love will sustain you through all the years that come,
All the fears that come are something no one can prepare you for.
But how was I supposed to know?

Then the euphoria faded,
Around the time my rent had tripled, all the doctor bills adorning the table.
I tucked my knees up to my navel, wrapped a blanket round my face
And squeezed my ankles as I screamed til I fainted for all the things I'm afraid of.
Picture the doctor saying she didn't make it
Picture my partner driving home alone now he's gotta raise him
And even if I breeze through the labor the best case scenario's exceedingly painful.

Nobody tells you, even if you feel prepared to keep and clean and feed him,
Push the baby carriage, cherish him and barely sleep
Entering parenthood is such a scary thing
Never knowing where the story's going's the only guarantee.