Ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor of New York.
Good morning,
it's been brought to my attention that many rap artists claim that they run New York,
but this is not the case. In fact,
I wrote my own song about what it's really like.
Please excuse the profanity in advance, hit it.

I run New York
New York, big city of dreams,
And you know that I run this town. (I run it!)

King of the streets, ??? concretes,
Skyscrapers on my crown.
So if you want this Big Apple,
Come try to take a bite,
Cause I run this motherfucking city and
I won't give it up without a fight.

Yo, I run New York, it's a pain in the ass!
The city's crowded as fuck, and it's covered in trash.
And the sanitation chief just shoved his shit in my face;
Another transit strike? Oh fucking great!

I can't wait
To have another meeting with the labor union
So the mob can bend me over
And then shove their fucking shoe in.

So I do it so you can sip your pumpkin latté.
I literally run New York, and it's fucking exhausting.

I run New York, it's a fucking headache.
It really wears you down.
In this lake of bureaucratic bullshit,
It's a miracle I don't drown.

I *double* literally run New York:
I run the marathon.
Plus I organized it,
So I double-run the marathon.

But no one seems to give a fuck that I'm a paragon.
Instead they photoshop me so
It's looking like I wear a thong,
And laugh at it in my own office when I'm gone.

I went to the Knicks game, and
They booed me on the jumbotron!
Excuse me for trying to help you;
They won't be satisfied until I'm
Locked up in Bellevue.
I guess they don't tell you this job sucks dick.
I run New York and it feels like shit.

The chief of police is a major bully,
He laughs at my ideas. (He's a jerk!)
He made fun of my tie last week,
And I had to fight back tears.

Now on the surface, it probably seems like I should quit
Cause I spend every day getting punched in the dick.
But at night I travel down into the subway,
Wearing chainmail, locked and loaded for gunplay,
And battle the gigantic fire-breathing mutant rats.
If I fucking quit, who the fuck would do that?
I'll give you a hint: the answer is no one.
That's why I'm in the sewer dressed up like a shogun.
Because on the equinox, a Hell Gate springs,
Releasing hounds wreathed in the blood of kings.
And no one even knows! They just think I'm a dork.
But I still kill those fucking dogs, because
I run New York!

I run New York, it's a shitty gig;
There's no overtime in my pay. (Bullshit!)
I asked this city for a fucking bonus,
And they said "no fucking way!"
So rotten is this Big Apple,
It's crawling with worms inside.
But I run this motherfucking shit hole city,
And it makes me wanna die.

I run New York!

Thank you.