Most Christmas songs don't start in spring
Well this one does, now here's the thing
This isn't quite your normal Christmas rhyme
So gather round I'll tell a tale
To make you laugh, to make you wail
The tale of Christmas 1999

We heard a catchy little tune
We stole in an afternoon
And stuck it on a cheap old disco beat
The Man said "that's a gravy train"
We quite agreed and drank champagne
And lit cigars with five pound notes till tea

The year passed by, we waited round
December came and there we found
An enemy awaiting unobserved
We'd take him on - though heavenly
We knew we'd win, and suddenly
The Christmas number 1 race was confirmed

Oh Cliff oh Cliff oh Cliff
Why'd you have to make things difficult at Christmas
Oh Cliff oh Cliff oh Cliff
Why'd you have to make things tough this time of year
Though big shots momentarily
We knew our place, and reverently
Referred to him as decent and quite sound
Not he, he said that we would flop
He'd hate to lose to rodent pop
The gloves were off, the lord will smite him down

Take down Mr Rock 'n Roll
Was now our sole and only goal
We should have been less blinkered in our gaze
For whilst we slugged it out with him
These Irish boys stepped in the ring
And some dead hippie from the olden days

Oh Cliff oh Cliff oh Cliff
Why'd you have to make things difficult at Christmas
Oh Cliff oh Cliff oh Cliff
Why'd you have to make things tough this time of year

Goliaths beat us after all
And we came in at number 4
The moral - don't be distracted from your aim
Still bitter that our TV gigs
Went unbroadcast, and yet theirs did
Learn from our lives of bitterness and pain

Oh Cliff oh Cliff oh Cliff
Why'd you have to make things difficult at Christmas
Oh Cliff oh Cliff oh Cliff
Why'd you have to make things tough this time of year
Oh Cliff oh Cliff oh Cliff
Why'd you have to make things difficult at Christmas
Oh Cliff oh Cliff oh Cliff
Why'd you have to make things tough this time of year