When you wake up in the morning
& you're feeling rather coy,
Your missus has a headache and you cannot get no joy,
So you stuff it up the arsehole of your second eldest boy,
As you revel in the joys of fornication.

Chorus ;
Cats on the rooftops, cats on the tiles,
Cats with syphilis, cats with piles,
Cats with their arseholes wreathed in smiles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

When you wake up in the morning with the devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid on your seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman,
Then you've got to use your hand,
As you revel in the joys of fornication.
Chorus

The Regimental Sergeant Major has a fucking horrid life,
He can't afford a mistress, and he doesn't have a wife,
So he stuffs it up the arsehole of the Regimental Fife,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus

When you find yourself in springtime with a surge of sexual joy,
And your wife has got the rags on and your daughters acting coy,
Then you stuff it up the arsehole of your favourite choirboy,
As you revel in the joys of fornication.
Chorus

The ostrich in the desert is a solitary chick,
Without the opportunity to go and dip his wick,
But when he does, he slips it in thick,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus

The ape is large and rather slow,
Erect he stands, a foot or so,
So when he comes its time to go,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus

The elephant, so it seems,
Very seldom has wet dreams,
But when he does, he comes in streams,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus

Poor old donkey, poor old moke,
Very seldom has a poke,
But when he does, he lets it soak,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus

Now the camel likes to have his fun,
His night is made when he is done,
He always gets two humps for one,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus