Yes indeed the Distressers were born
And I tell you something else I ain't no
Barnum & Bailey but these here fellas are some ass clowns
And any one of them worth a damn
May as well be a lone peanut at the bottom of a crackerjack box
Sorry about that I'm just getting a little carried away and dabbling in a bit of Philosophizing
I think therefore I am
Shit, I don't think so therefore I am not
What do you think of them apples
Anyway, back to this group of misfits
So here it is, kaboom
Heisenbean's diabolical plan runs amok
Dick Doubley thusly becomes good guy
Captain Coffee Bean, a kind of drunken Captain America type
Dean Curtis becomes bad guy Dr. Decaf
A fat smelly slob who creates minions of his own the sleep zombies
Myles the tea leaf becomes good guy
Matcha Man, a meathead type of bro who's real superpower
Is punching people in the crotch
And them vapors leaking from the cylinders created bad guy Energy-X
He'd be a stuffed shirt if he had one, you know a real corporate type of asshole
Basically, a bunch of gas that's totally full of shit
And lastly the flying shrapnel created the good guy the
Keur who is a kind of a transformer robot
That shoots coffee beans out of his arms and the Distresser Signal
Out of his ass
Now Heisenbean was kind of on the fence as far as good or bad
Was concerned being an evil scientist and all
But as soon as her realized that Dr. Decaf and Energy-X
Were pushing energy drinks and decaffeinated products
He knew he had to team up with the good guys
After all it was blasphemy against The Way of the Bean
Yeah Motherfucker yeah, you finally getting it
The crux of this biscuit, caffeine you dumb son of a bitch
This whole sloppy story, the one I'm babbling to you right now is just a ploy
To plug a new company
Distresser Coffee Company to be exact. Sip now, sleep later
That's their motto and don't you forget it
Those boys put me up to all this here shit, especially that Pat Noon fella
Seriously look them up Hoss. But you see it don't much matter
We got to finish her off, the story man
So it's told
I have sold
My very soul to Distresser
Look up In the sky daddy is that a plane or a bird
It's not a plane son and definitely not a bird, but perhaps
I think it might be a flying brown turd
Don't be absurd, that's neither a bird nor a flying brown turd
Why that's Captain Coffee Bean
And look over there, it's the Distresser Signal
I hope Captain Coffee Bean is answering the call