A fine romance, my good fellow
You take romance, I'll take Jello
You're calmer than the seals in the Arctic Ocean
At least they flap their fins to express emotion

A fine romance, with no quarrels
With no insults and all morals
I've never mussed a crease in your blue serge pants
I never get the chance, this, is a fine romance!

A fine romance, with no kisses
A fine romance, my friend, this is
To love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has
We don't have half the thrills that the march of time has

A fine romance, with no clinches
A fine romances, with no pinches
You're just as hard to land as the Ile de France!
I haven't got a chance, My hearts not made of plastic,
You're the reason I'm sarcastic!
'Cause this is a fine, a fine romance.