My bird rang up just the other day, she said:
"Get round fast, me folks have gone away. They've booked two weeks in Torremolinos"
I was round in a flash with a rock hard penis.
Threw her down on her mum and dad's bed- skirt up, knickers off, legs well spread.
One second after I'd filled up her twat, she shouts:
"Fuck pig and arsehole! Me mum and dad's back!"
Ran to the kitchen, pretend nowt's afoot- spic bastards on strike, airport shut.
"Yes, Reverand, no Reverand," polite chit-chat,
Then I saw a dribble and I heard a splat...

(Wee-Splat!) Glodge of jism's landed on the floor
Left foot on the bastard, vicar chats about the war
(Wee-Splat!) Another glob on the 'welcome' mat,
If I stretch my right leg, I'll get my foot on the twat

My bird leans over and quietly whispers:
"Nip upstairs and try and find me knickers."
"If they catch me up there, I'll get shot, besides, I can't move- I'm stuck to the spot,
And keep your knees together, stop moving about,
There's all manner of gear falling out of your clout."
"... And this band you're in, is it heavy metal?"
Christ almighty! She's over by the kettle!

(Wee-Splat!) Drop of spunk's landed by the cooker
Threw my jacket down and covered up the fucker
(Wee-Splat!) If he missed that cunt, the old git needs spectacles
How much yoghurt do I keep in my testicles?

Sticky pattern on the lino getting bigger and bigger,
"Garden looks nice, more tea vicar?"
"Now then son, you been shagging our Louise?
There's one of her pubes stuck in your teeth,
And my fucking floor's covered in bladder adder snot,
May the Lord strike you down dead upon this spot!"
He slips in the slime and lands on his bot,
And I thought God would be a better shot.