I fell asleep on the couch last night
Woke up with the TV on there was a woman in
Tight cotton exercise shorts
And a big plastic machine she was climbing on
She said "The Abacycle guarantees ten
Inches off your waist
And 50 pounds in just 3 minutes a day"
I went to bed knowing the
Revolution had been postponed
And everything was OK

You can buy it, you can try it
Go right ahead
But don't be fooled folks, there's only one
I forget the guy's name but I
Know somebody must have said
Sell it and they will come boys
Sell it and they will come

I switched the channels and
There was Evel Knievel
I thought that he was dead
I found myself sitting there quietly
Hanging on every word he said "Now folks
The Stimulator removes all pain
From your life
And the best day of your life will be
When you try this little thing out"
The camera moved in as he said
"Now let me tell you ladies and gentlemen
Pain is something old Evel
Knows a little about"

You can buy it, you can try it
That's what I said
But don't be fooled folks, there's only one
I forget that guy's name but I
Know somebody must have said
Sell it and they will come boys
Sell it and they will come

And a fellow comes on shouting
"Free haircuts for life!"
Somehow you cut your hair
With a vacuum cleaner
And then I switched the channels
And there was Dionne Warwick, communing
With her psychic friends
I watched for hours, taking warmth, comfort
And pleasure in the things that I despise
Touched by how much they needed me
And that gleeful desperation in their eyes

You can buy it, you can try it
It'll help you in bed
But don't be fooled folks, there's only one
I forget that guy's name but
I know somebody said
Sell it and they will come boys
Sell it and they will come

So Dionne, Cher, and all
My late-night friends
I drink to your health
And Tony Little, America's personal trainer
Please kill yourself
Now I've sold a few things myself in my time
And by the way folks
There's some t-shirts on your way outside
Well last night I dreamed of lipstick
And tight little cotton shorts
"Harder, faster", she breathed
"One, two, three, four, five"
Ride, Sally ride, girl, ride Sally ride

You can buy it, you can try it
It'll help you in bed
But don't be fooled folks, there's only one
I forget that guy's name but somebody said
Sell it and they will come boys
Sell it and they will come