It's like come home from a show one night I smoked weed from the front of the house. It's like one in the morning and I smoke the weed. I'm like, Uh oh, it's only a matter of time before I caught my kids. See my daughter in the back. She's pastry chef, like I said before, but she made a bong out of an Apple. Doesn't know how to bring the pails back but can make a bong out of an Apple.

I'm like, Victoria. What the fuck are you doing, the neighbors? What's wrong with you all right you caught me, Dad. I'm smoking weed. Didn't you smoke weed? Is mommy still sleeping? How do you do this? How do you work this? You cover this hole , like this.

Brilliant. When you inhale, you taste the Apple, but I got the munchies. I ate the fucking Apple. She wouldn't talk to me for a month, I ate her bong.

Everything in moderation. A little doot do do doot now and then just take the edge off. Only when I'm home. Never when I'm driving. Don't ever do it before you take a shower. One night I stared at the shower head for 45 minutes. I didn't even turn the water on.
My wife comes upstairs turn it on asshole..

Well, I used to drive the school bus. I had a half a day. One day. My daughter didn't know I had a half a day, I walk in the house. She said What are you doing here? It's my house. What are you doing here? Why don't you get a job. Why don't you cut the grass, do something. We need a new router. How about good morning dad. Why don't you acknowledge that? I will just give you one of these like a pez dispenser and I'll do it right back. What's wrong with the router? I'm not getting service in the bathroom. Well excuse me. Your holiness. Do me a favor, the next time he used my car and that little engine block symbol lights up. You gotta let me know. Not a decoration it means something. You can't wait for the black smoke to come out from under the hood you fucking idiot. Tell me. I will take care of it.

How about you buy the router, pay for something. I help your health insurance. Your car payments, buy the router and I'll hook it up. How's that? Yeah, I bought the router. I'm at best buy five to 10 the next morning. I gotta be the first one and I got no patience to deal with fucking mutans and it'd be the first one in there, go right to the back. I get this geeky kid with the tattoos. The railroad spike of, my motto is living let live. I have a gay son. Good for you. He got the tattoos and I'm trying my best to make eye contact with this kid. He's got a busy fucking head going on here. Yeah, He had donuts in his earlobes. I wanted to to get a cup of coffee or eat his fucking earlobes. My buddy. I just want the best router. I don't care how much I don't stop with the specs. I don't know anything about this shit. This one here, this one. Thank you pal. I appreciate it. Here's what he interrogation begins with him. When you get to the register, and I hate this shit, I just want to pay for my shit and get the fuck out of there. They don't need this extra information. If they're going to fuck with me, I'm gonna fuck with them right back. I look a dead serious right in the eye. Address. I'm homeless, yeah, I'm homeless, Cell. I have no home. Where am I gonna charge it. Would you like to super saver card? I don't want the super saver card. I just want to get the fuck out of here. You want the extended warranty? No, I'll save the box. After a month, I'll put it back in a box, come back here and get a new one and we've all done that and don't bull shit me.

Do you know how many leaf blowers I've brought back the Home Depot still with the gas or the oil in it.
Did you take out the gas and the oil. Oh yeah. Yeah. I took out the gas, meanwhile there's a fucking fire in the tool dep, fuck department. I don't know. Maybe the equalizer is here. I don't know. Here's where they put you on the spot and I can't stand this. There's four people lined up behind and I'm not a heartless person. Would you like to donate to cancer? Listen to me. My father died of cancer. I do fundraisers and benefits. Let me donate the cancer when I want to give, how I want to give, where I want to give. I don't want the extended warranty. I don't want the super saver card. I'm homeless. I have no fucking phone. I just want to pay for the fucking product and leave this fucking building.

Debit or credit, credit. Now you're sliding it all right. Not processing. Fuck what happened. Not do it again now. Yeah. No, not yet. Do you have the chip? Yes, I have the chip. So you put it in, not processing. Did you stick it all the way in, now being a comedian, I couldn't let that go.

I said, you know what? You sound like my wife. Thank God she smiled. I smiled. I don't know. Lucy was behind me. She smiled too. That was a lonely ride home.