Well I stepped off the bus in Memphis
And stumbled into the first saloon I could find
I bellied up to the rail and I summoned my barkeep
I ordered up tequila some salt and a lime
And she said ""Son you ain't from around here is you?""
And I said politely ""No no ma'am I ain't.
She said ""Sonny let me give you a little bit of friendly Southern advice
We don't use that junk round here for nothin' 'cept well maybe thinnin' out paint.""

And she said ""Son why don't you just take a look around and tell me what you see.
Well I saw a lot of white-felt Stetson hats and gator-skin boots, you know
And every Southern man who had a lady on his arm was drinkin' whiskey

So I said ""I do not wish to be out of order ma'am, I am not a tramp or a bum
The dusty Mexican borderlands are where I've just come from
And with all due respect and deference, tequila is my preference.""

So she said Relax honey, you know I would never treat you wrong.
And then she poured me up 3 fingers of that Old Number 7
She said ""Rest assured darlin' if we're drinkin' it down here in Dixie
That's cause that's what they're pourin' up in heaven.""

And I said ""Ma'am your hospitality is well intentioned
Yes I know you mean to treat me well
It's just that where I come from (born and raised in Arizona don't you know?)
Me and my friends be more likely to be found drinkin' what they serve down in hell!

And she said ""Son why don't you just take a look around and tell me what you see.""
Well I saw a lot of furrowed brows under them white-felt Stetson hats
And every Southern man who had a lady on his arm was lookin' kinda angry

So I said ""I do not wish to be out of order gents, I am not a tramp or a bum
The dusty Mexican borderlands are where I've just come from
And with all due respect and deference, tequila is my preference.""

So she said ""Hey look you little polecat you better knock that whiskey back
Before us Southern folks get angry and we come and skin you to the bone
And I ain't exactly sure how that old sayin' goes boy
But I do know it underscores the fact that you best be drinkin' what the Romans drink when you're drinking down in Rome.""

And I said ""Ma'am I can see that you just do not understand
And I've been tryin' to get a proper drink out of this bar now the WHOLE DAMN NIGHT
So kindly set me up that tequila honey and let me get it in my blood
And I will take you and your whiskey-sippin' southern boys up on that there fight.""

She said ""Son why don't you just take yourself a look around and tell me what you see.
Well I saw a lotta grindin' teeth and I saw a lotta clinchin' fists out there
And every Southern man who once was over there sittin' at the bar was up and comin' after me

So I said ""I do not wish to be out of order here gentlemen
I am not a tramp and I am not a bum
The dusty Mexican borderlands are where I've just come from
And with all due respect and deference, yeah with all due respect and deference, with all due respect and deference...

Gentlemen kindly do not throw me out ass-backwards for hankerin' for a less civilized spirit
Why don't I just mosey on along and find my tequila on my way
Back west

A Dios rogando y con el mazo dando
Katie bar the door pass the gunpowder and praise the Lord
And as I make haste yet slowly
To mis amigos you may deem lowly and unholy
I will tell them what I've learned
Though I've been gulagged and I've been spurned
Si a Roma fueres haz como vieres
Or when in Rome, do as the Romans do
But Memphis, why not try something new?
And when the Barbarians arrive here at your gate
Treat us not with fear and hate
For we come not to conquer or be rude
But to raise a glass and say ""Salúd!""