A fine romance, my good fellow
You take romance, I'll take jello
You're calmer than the seals in the Artic Ocean
At least they flap their fins to express emotion

A fine romance with no quarrels
With no insults, and all morals
I've never mussed the crease
In your blue serge pants,

I never get the chance, this is a fine romance!
A fine romance, with no kisses
A find romance, my friend this is
To lack half the thrills that a healthy crime has

We don't have half the thrills
That the march of time has
A fine romance, with no clinches
A fine romance, with no flinches

You're just as hard to land as the Ille de France
I haven't got a chance
My heart isn't made of plastic
You're too sarcastic,

This is a fine romance!