On nights like this
When the world's a bit amiss
And the lights go down
Across the trailer park
I get down, I feel had
Feel on the verge of going mad
Then it's time to punch the clock:
I put on some make-up
Turn on the tape deck
And put the wig back on my head
Suddenly I'm Miss Midwest Midnight Checkout Queen
Until I head home, and I put myself to bed
I look back from where I'm from
Look at the woman I've become
And the strangest things seem
Suddenly routine
I look up from my Vermouth on the rocks
The giftwrapped wig still in the box
Of towering velveteen:
I put on some make-up
Some LaVern Baker
And pull the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Beehive 1963
Until I wake up
And I turn back to myself
Some girls, they got natural ease
They wear it any way they please
With their French flipped curls
And perfumed magazines
Wear it up, let it down
This is the best way that I've found
To be the best you've ever seen:
I put on some make-up
Turn on the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shell
Suddenly I'm Miss Farrah Fawcett from TV
Until I wake up
And I turn back to myself
Shag, bi-level, bob
Dorothy Hamill 'do
Sausage curls, chicken wings
It's all because of you
With your blow-dried, feather backed
Toni home wave too
Flip, fro, frizz, flop
It's all because of you it's
ALL because of you it's
ALL because of you
Okay, everybody:
I put on some make-up
Turn on the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Punk Rock Star of Stage and Screen
And I ain't never
I'm never turning back!"