I'm sixteen percent aspartame
There's four miles of fog clogging up my brain
I watch ten hours of talk shows every day
I'm twenty-four percent dependant on Novocain
Making friends is easy the old fashioned way
When I see you the good songs start to play
I make mechanical movements all across the room
But when you start to talk the music loses its tune
Don't tell me about your college degree
Sorry darlin' but you bore the fuck out of me
I've got no time for you unless we're talking bout me
Sorry darlin' but you bore the fuck out of me
You spent years at school, I spent years with TV
Sorry darlin' but you bore the fuck out of me
I'm into deeper questions can't you see
Sorry darlin' but you bore the fuck out of me
And your opinions are far beyond driven
You should take a leaf out of my algorithm
We can take a trip together to the great data lake
And marvel at the beauty of computer-based faith
But these topics bring nothing but a simple smile
I was hoping at first you'd be beguiled
By the breadth of my intellect and ample charm
I'm such a nice guy but we've come too far
It takes two to tango but I never dance
We can stand in a corner and develop a romance
Built on a dialogue starring you as myself
And when I get bored I'll just put you back on the shelf so listen
I've had it up to here with your begging please
Sorry darlin' but you bore the fuck out of me
I've got no time for you unless we're talking bout me
Sorry darlin' but you bore the fuck out of me
You spent years at college, I spent years with TV
Sorry darlin' but you bore the fuck out of me
Let's get it over with, you can come and see
Sorry darlin' but you bore the fuck out of me
And it's tragic, how little I care
When you're standing in front of me in your underwear
Intimacy is cool but there's more things to life
Like listening to me pontificate all night
About my fan theories of the extended universe
And the meaning of every Tool song's second verse
Sit down for a minute and listen to me whine
I'll get to your body when I have the time
But I need a mirror first to reaffirm my place
In the boundary between the real world and cyberspace
A subject of god whom we killed and replaced
With a vertical conveyor belt of outraged laced
With facts and fiction all mixed as one
Who needs philosophy when you're having fun?
But you're not listening to me as I recite the prose
Etched into the flesh of my cerebral folds
Hidden knowledge now revealed you are subject to
Just don't ask about the gilded Redditor who
I plagiarized it from but just give me a break
I could have figured it out if I wasn't busy getting baked
But you mock and taunt me by standing there
Wish you'd open your mouth and catch me unawares
But you bite your lip and make an excuse
Just another Friday night as a terminal recluse