If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am
I'm a genuine philanthropist, all other kinds are sham

Each little fault of grammar and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures I endeavor to correct

To all of their deficiencies I open people's eyes
And little plans to decimate their egos I devise

I do all the good I can do from the moment I awake
Yet many people say that I am rather hard to take
And I can't think why

To compliments excessive I've a withering reply
And vanity I always do my best to mortify

A charitable action I can skillfully dissect
A motive that's ulterior I'm happy to detect

If someone does admit a fault, I nonetheless insist
On calling his attention to the ones he may have missed

I have a gift for crushing repartee, I must admit
But nobody appreciates the brilliance of my wit
And I can't think why

Although I am opinionated, no one should object
How fortunate I am that my opinions are correct

I point out people's weaknesses before they leave the room
I enjoy correcting people who say "Who" instead of "Whom"

I always say whatever's on my mind, that's very true
I can tell a person's age in half a minute and I do

And yet no matter how I try to benefit mankind
Still everybody says that I'm a pain in the behind
And I can't think why