There’s questions we’re always hearing every where we go
Like how do I cut a record or get on a country show
Well, it takes more than just ambition and three chords on an old guitar
There’s a few more things you ought to learn to be a country star

You got to learn to sing like Waylon or pick like Jerry Reed
Yodel like Jeannie Shepard, write songs like Tom T
Put a cry in your voice like Haggard, learn Spanish like Johnny R
Whisper like Bill Anderson and you’ll be a country star

Play piano like Ronnie Mil sap or Gilly or Jerry Lee
Yo-yo like Roy Acuff or talk plain like Ralph Emery
Growl like Conway Twitty, get a red, white and blue guitar
Build a swimming pool like Webb did and you’ll be a country star

Be tall like Sonny James is, tell jokes like Minnie Pearl
Or be short like Jimmy Dickens or play five-string like Earl
Get a hip band like Willie, learn to stutter like M-Mel
Get a cap like Roy Clark wore or a voice like Barbara Mandrel

Be rich like Eddy Arnold, say you’re makin' more than you are
Get a gimmick like Charley Pride got and you’ll be a country star

But if you have no talent and you’re not a male
If you’re built somewhat like Dolly or have a face like Crystal Gayle
Come back stage and ask for Harold, Phil, Don or Lou
And we’ll see you get auditioned for the Statler Brothers Review