This is the story of our first teacher
Shetland made her jumpers
And the devil made her features
Threw up her bands when my mum said our names
Embroidered all her stories with slanderous claims
It's over and done with

This is the story of losing my virginity
I held my breath and the bed held a trinity
People I'm making no claims to a mystery
But sometimes it seems like
My sex life's all history
I'm not saying these events didn't
Touch our lives in any way
But, ah, they didn't make the impression
That some people say

This is the story of watching a man dying
The subjects unpopular
But I don't feel like lying
When I think of it now I acted like a sinner
I just washed my bands
Then I went for my dinner.