Waiter, oh, waiter, please come to my rescue
I cannot understand a word that's written on this menu
Not that I'm unaccustomed to this kind of smart cuisine
But what you've handed me is in a language I've never seen.
And the way my companion here keeps gazing over at me
Makes me feel like I'm drifting further and further out to sea
Everything looks so frightening
Everything here looks so nice.
Oh, waiter, please waiter!
I really need your advice.

Waiter, oh, waiter, I feel so embarrassed
If this is really French it's not the kind they use in Paris
What is this crab and lobster foam? What's in this cassoulet?
While my companion's so at home, so terribly au fait.
I need some words of wisdom I need you to take my side
For very soon I know will come the moment to decide
Won't you help me through this menu
Won't you please just catch my eye
So waiter oh, waiter!
Please help me out tonight.

Underneath that stiff tuxedo you must be human too,
You'll have had your days of heartbreak
And days when your dreams came true
So, waiter oh, waiter! Please help me out tonight.

Waiter, oh, waiter please come to my rescue
Oh let this be the sort of thing your service can extend to.
Not that I'm unaccustomed to this kind of smart cuisine
But this menu is as baffling as anything I've ever seen.
And the way he looks across at me with his sardonic gaze
Makes me feel I'm drifting further out into the choppy waves
Everything looks so frightening, everything here looks so nice.
Oh, waiter please waiter!
I really need your advice

Underneath that stiff tuxedo you must be human too
You'll have had your days of heartbreak
And days when your dreams came true
So, waiter, oh, waiter!
Please help me out tonight.