We look at childhood photos and thank god for the glow up
Without realizing how much of ourselves we had to lose in order to grow up
Thinking that getting older equates to progress
While undermining the amount of trauma we got left to process
We got Black babies born into toxicity
Cradled in the arms of depression
Where broken homes lead to finding false-love disguising dark lessons
And learning how to heal feels impossible
Because we witnessed all the worst methods
Where your own mind can't be considered a safe space
Because suppressed cries birth abusive thoughts eventually
The first time I contemplated suicide I was in elementary
Now tell me
Are you more tormented than a fifth grader
Thinking you healed from old scars
Just to step into adulthood and have to deal with the shit later
Because trauma never leaves
It just shows up in other places
I'm from where we get use to putting on brave faces
Because it's easier than feeling more alone than you did before explaining
So silenced cries make me take my pain and mask it
I realized that I'm never happy
Just distracted
Because so many calendar dates hold sadness
Making me wear darkness hidden behind brave faces
Now depression play ventriloquist to these smiles
As I say goodbye vulnerability
To say hello to safeguarding these wounds
Now the closest thing to me being open is putting paper to pen
I turned trauma into wordplay
To clear it all out when I step on stage
As an artist painting traumas in shades
That make people call it beautiful
Despite the damage that it do to you
So lately I been praying to the God that I been struggling to believe in
And I been closed off to the people closest to me
I'm more comfortable opening up on stages in front of strangers
When being alone with my thoughts
Became one of the most dangerous places
But after I leave these venues
My suicidal thoughts be there when no one else is
But it's cool I handle shit on my own
I don't know what help is