Well I woke up at the diner where the waitress can read minds
She serves you what you would have ordered, yeah without wasting your time
But she walked up to me so angry, I thought she would explode
And said, you ain't even hungry, go on and hit the road
I said hey, I'm on your WIFi and my battery's at zero
She gave me a map to find the ap for the New Testament 2 point 0

So I ordered up an Uber and said take me to take me to Stonehenge
As he coughed I burst out laughing. When I coughed he got revenge
Then he winked at me in the backseat as he pointed to his hat
And said, you're following me anyhow. Follow my band on Insta-Chat
I said, I thought you must be famous when I heard you're on the radio
But you're going to need a real job to read the New Testament 2 point 0

Now, I moved into that billboard, If You Lived Here You'd Be Home
My neighbors are all pigeons who complain my mail comes by drone
Yeah but that's not as funny as the guy who was knocking on my door
Trying to sell me solar panels. I said look, my roof's a floor
You're a flesh and bone commercial interrupting my TV show
But you can send your friend who's sells the New Testament 2 point 0

Yeah, I had to move out by parachute and went looking for a job
When this hooker grabbed my wallet and said Help! He's just been robbed
Yeah, I took her by the hand and said, how do you live this way
She said, you sell your soul one time but you get paid every day
Just then her wings unfolded under a glowing gold halo
All souls have been refunded thanks to New Testament 2 point 0

Now I came upon a beggar dressed in a blind man's disguise
He said, I'm not really lying cuz my daughter has my eyes
His cell phone started buzzing and he tossed it in the sea
If I don't pay back my student loans they'll repossess my degree
I said, I don't owe them a penny but mine expired a week ago
Learning will be cheaper when Netflix gets the New Testament 2 point 0

Yeah, ah oh

Oh, the girl at Starbucks told me I got bird shit on my head
I shook my fist at the sky saying I know where you live, Fred
But I had to run to jury duty where they want me to take a plea
For bringing nothing to the party. Even my lawyer thinks it was me
Put my left hand on the Bible but it was a Book of Shadows. So
The Judge said, we now swear you in with the New Testament 2 point 0

They locked me in with Arlo Guthrie and a guy charged with father rape
Arlo said, let's roll the toilet paper out the window, slide down and escape
He refused to take a pickle but when he said good-bye
I said if you run into Bobby Dylan, yeah tell him my Dad says hi
Well tell him yourself when you see him down on Desolation Row
He'll be there for God's big book signing of the New Testament 2 point 0

So, I ran down to buy a postcard, once I rearranged my face
Standing there my two biggest heroes, yeah together in one place
I said, between the two of you, you got me through years of insecurity
If it wasn't for you, yeah I'm not sure who I would be
They invited me to the Grand Canyon where Woody is still alive
To collaborate on a prototype for the New Testament 2 point 5