I was sittin' at home just a-listenin' to my radio
An' along came a fella who apparently had been on the go
Well, he started in a-braggin' 'bout ev'rywhere he'd been
And there isn't any place in this whole world he hasn't seen
You ask me where I've been, an' I'm a-going to tell you, Pard
Why, I ain't even been outside the gate in my backyard

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere

I ain't seen London, Paris, Washington, Chicago,
Bombay, Mandalay, Calgary, Cashmere,
Thailand, Ireland, Iceland, Greenland,
Halifax, Poland, Switzerland, Scotland,
Liverpool, Dry Gulch, Tombstone, Moscow,
Carlsbad, Leningrad, Stalingrad, too bad!

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere

Siam, Amsterdam, Oslo, Rotterdam,
Birmingham, Tokyo, Melbourne, Saigon,
Trinidad, Hong Kong, Florida, Reykjavik,
Copenhagen, Berlin, Congo, Key West,
Petersburg, Wallisburg, Cherbourg, Luxemburg,
Chalush, Toronto, Cripple Creek, I am sick!

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere

Kumquat, Limerick, Inverness, Loch Ness,
Swansea, Cuanda, Colombo, Gold Coast,
Edinburgh, Singapore, Galveston, Okinawa,
Blarney, Killarney, Karachi, Pyongyang,
Warsaw, Tarancan, Down, Libya,
Goose Bay, Labrador, Outer Space, no place!

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere

Ohio, Toledo, Wexford, Frankfurt,
Silverton, Norfolk, Alamo, Sabula,
Brighton, Kiowa, Denmark, Dover,
Chalis, Rio, Lima, Philippines,
Hebrides, Hawaii, Portland, Cleveland,
Leipzig, Laramie, Horsehair, nowhere!

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere

Wait a minute! Horsehair!
Why, doggone it, that's my hometown
So I guess I must 'a' been there, huh?

I ain't been anywhere!