Journal entry number seven
I've been reflecting over these past few months and there's a lot to sift through
I've been on this journey to forgiveness thing and it's way harder than I expected
It's a process and I'm taking it day by day, but sometimes I replay it in my mind and I get so upset
Other times I feel relieved that this particular chapter in my life is over
Over time I'm realizing I'm holding on to so much anger
I keep seeing different videos and quotes on Instagram trying to figure me out and diagnose me with someone else's truth
But by taking a step back and sifting through my own emotions with God, it hit me that maybe
Just maybe holding on to this anger gives me my own sense of power since I felt so powerless with all the rejection he put me through
That was good, huh?
I feel power by being upset and having the option to forgive him, but in turn it makes me feel bitter and worse about myself
Why is that? I don't know, but I do know I'm sick of being mad and I don't want to be mad anymore
I'm choosing to let him go because I feel imprisoned with this anger and I want to stop feeling like I need to prove to myself that I'm strong enough
I want to release him fully and not feel defeated but proud of myself for doing that
I've been angry for so long
I think it's time to choose some peace
Don't you?