There's a three-legged beagle who lays there spread eagle
On the driveway outside Patti's trailer
He looks like he's sleepin' but he knows she's dealin'
And that she's been bonin' the neighbor
There's a mean little poodle we call Cranky Doodle
Ridin' high in Lynnette's Vera Bradley
He'll take to the grave that her husband is gay
'Cause Doodle likes chewin' his panties

If these dogs could talk, they'd sure tell on you
We're all lucky barkin' is all they can do
They dig up your secrets, they know all your trash
The tales they could tell, the tongues they could wag
God knows what they'd say, might ruin your day
If these dogs could talk

There's a brown mut named Patience
She always waitin' for scraps outside of the diner
Leroy is servin', one thing's for certain
A hamburger steak always finds her
He may be a meth-head who smokes up his paycheck
But everyone needs a best friend
And she may be blind but she sees him just fine
And don't care what they say about him

If these dogs could talk, they'd sure tell on you
We're all lucky barkin' is all they can do
They dig up your secrets, they know all your trash
The tales they could tell, the tongues they could wag
God knows what they'd say, might ruin your day
If these dogs could talk

They could sniff out the cheaters and point out the liars
Shit on their lawns and piss on their tires
They can smell kindness, so maybe be kinder
And don't even think about kickin' one

They dig up your secrets, they know all your trash
The tales they could tell, the tongues they could wag
God knows what they'd say, might ruin your day
If these dogs could talk

God knows what they'd say
Might make someone's day if these dogs could talk