Look at this crib
In all of its glorious antiquary
Every curve and surface speaks to me
Saying pamper and spoil me
Sand me and oil me
Come on
I know to the untrained eye it's boring
But nothing's a chore when you're restoring
Apart from frustration, pain, and financial drain
It's fun

Folks say, "Adam
Why do you polish your crib when you don't have a kid?
And even if you did have a kid
This crib is too precious for placing a baby inside it
So it simply exists to remind you
Your sense of perfection is just a reflection
That you are not mentally prepared to make room for a kid
Adam, why don't you live?
Adam, just make a start"
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set
Ready, set

Look at these jugs

Amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery
I took some clay and made you pottery
The world will never wreck you
I'll protect you in a mother's embrace

Folks say, "Barbara
Why can't you see that ceramics is simply a manifestation of motherly panic
By making a baby that's breakable
Aren't you creating a way of translating the terror of making maternal mistakes into clay
Hiding away so you don't have to face being a bad mom
Barbara
That's what you've done, Barbara
Just make a start"
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set

Here we stand
At the end of a ten year plan
A house
A yard
A minivan
A baby should be next
Together let's leap off the cliff
Fall forever, then smash to bits
Trapped in a terrifying viper pit
Of diapers and regret
Are we willing to take the next step?

Ready, set
Ready, set
Not yet
Not yet
Why rush?
Why rush?

Soon enough, our hopes and our dreams will be crushed
But not yet
Not yet
Not now
Not now

Oh?
No
See?
We can't start a family in a house with creaky floorboards

You are absolutely right
Let's add it to the list
With the cracks in the plaster
The Wi-Fi should be faster
This sofa needs a castor
The bathroom's a disaster
What about global poverty?
What about world peace?
Then there's the whole darn economy
The whole Middle East
We should learn Mandarin
Yeah
Or Spanish at least
No habla eespañol
Dos cervezas por favor

And that's all we got
And that's not a lot
Do we want a bilingual household or not?

So let's go slow
No breaking a sweat
What's the point of having children
If we're drowning in debt?

Yeah, we're totally
Completely
Maybe eighty percent
I'd say seventy-eight

Ready to take
The next step (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
The next step (zooby dooby dooby, dooby dop and bow)
The next step (zweeby, beeby, boo-bah-bah-dee)
The next step
We're ready, set let's

See I wasn't kidding
It's a show about death