All my friends are happy and healthy and well-adjusted
So when Chris took shots of vodka, he looked disgusted
And that's why Blake's at UPS and Logan busses
Oh, all my friends are happy and healthy and well-adjusted

I watch Naruto on my ex-girlfriend's Netflix
When I have casual sex, I wear my grandma's necklace
Another notch on my belt, cross off my father's checklist
I don't wake up at all, I just eat my breakfast

All my friends are happy and healthy and well-adjusted
Look how Ryan's full-time offer was interrupted
And I know Taylor dated Matt, we don't discuss it
She don't owe me a thing
Oh, all my friends are happy and healthy and well-adjusted

So can you tell me why
I watch Naruto on my ex-girlfriend's Netflix
When I have casual sex, I wear my grandma's necklace
Another notch on my belt, cross off my father's checklist
I don't wake up at all, I just eat my breakfast

All my friends are happy and healthy and well-adjusted