We're not marching off to war
We're marching on one spot
We make so bold, as to do just what we're told
Ask us what we're frightened of, we'll answer, 'what yer got?'
Corporal Cook has got a cough
Sergeant Smith feels sad
I do my best, to get through every test
But something's wrong – I'm feeling strong!
Perhaps I'm going mad!
Try to get a grip - Relax the upper lip
Keep it gloomy and be glad
HEALTH AND SAFETY IS YOUR ONLY WEALTH
CHIDE ME, CHAFE ME
SAVE ME FROM MYSELF
I'M THE SUM, I'M THE FOOL
WANTS ME MUM, GIVE ME SOME,
ONE TO SEND ME BACK TO SCHOOL
HEALTH AND SAFETY, WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT
PUT THAT PINT DOWN, STUB THE GASPER OUT'
KNOCK ME DOWN, LOCK ME DOWN,
STREWTH AND FLIPPIN' 'ECK
IT'S ALWAYS THE WORKING MAN GETS IT IN THE NECK
When we go out on patrol
We keep ourselves in check
No time to free a cat stuck up a tree
You might get fleas, or allergies, or fall and break your neck
Don't jump off that river bank
To save a drowning man
Think what you'd get, apart from soaking wet
Might as well jump from the fire into the frying pan
Stay just slightly stressed - You know it's for the best
They're always going to have a plan
So count yourself as blessed
'Cause 'they' know what is best
They're always going to have a plan . . . (Well, aren't they?!)